My testimony

Since I am being called before this Senate Comittee to be confirmed for the position of Secretary of the Interior, I feel it is my duty to elaborate on the charges leveled against me. I will not invoke my 5th Ammendment Right, because I am no Mark McGuire. And I do habla the Inglish unlike my counterpart Mr. Sosa.

10. To the best of my recollection Mr. Smith was with myself and Mr. Ivey at a Chi Phi party in Tampa. My memories of that night are a little hazy, but I do know that massive amounts of grain alcohol were consumed mixed with “Polar Cup” slushies. Mr. Smith and myself were working undercover that night and were using the aliases of Ron Jeremy and Peter North.

Mr. Brooks

Mr. Smith

I do remember Mr. Smith puking on the side walk outside Mr. Suarez’s apartment. The sound it made according to Mr Ivey was, “like a cow taking a huge shit.” I remember waking up the next morning and paint was peeled from the spot Mr. Smith Puked on.

9. Once again myself, Mr. Ivey and Mr. Smith were on a mission to the John Young Planetarium to enjoy a night of loud music and laser lights. Mr Smith did mention earlier in the night that, “I never puke.” If memory serves me correctly, we were enjoying several bottles of 1988 Mad Dog 20/20. A very fine year if I say so myself. As we were well engrossed in the festivities, Mr. Smith leaned over the back of the seat and asked the possibly underage girls behind us “Do you girls like to fornicate?” But Mr. Smith used the alternate version of the word fornicate. Needless to say, Mr Smith did not have sexual activites with said girls that night. Later in the evening while we were having a debrief outside of my house, Mr. Smith puked in the street.

8. Several times in my teenage years, I felt the need to let “my boys” hang out in the open. Multiple times myself, Mr. Ivey, Mr. Smith and Mr. Burry were in Mr. Burry’s mothers Astrovan. On several occasians we frequented the village of Sun Air and I decided to streak. Being the safe streaker that I am, I kept my shoes on to protect my feet. As far as I know, Mr. Smith never puked in the village of Sun Air. I would also like at this time to thank Mr. Ivey on telling this story while were playing golf with Mr. Jerry Brooks at Sun Air one Thanksgiving weekend. I’m sure Mr. Jerry Brooks would like to know that his son was a safe streaker.

7. As mentioned in charge 8, I have been known to expose my body parts in a public area.

6. When Mr. Jason Turner and family lived in the Greenlefe community, myself and several other people would make a habit of visiting his dwellling on the weekends and enjoy many different types of spirits. Since Mr. Turner had a swimming pool, swimming suits were worn. On more than one occasian after I had enjoyed my dip in the pool, I would wrap my lower body with a towel. It was well known at the time that I was very skinny so keeping a towel wrapped around me was a losing battle. Could I have worn something underneeth the towel? Perhaps.

5. Vertical hurl in Montgomery. A new killer band? No. As a young newlywed I recieved a “kitchen pass” from my beautiful bride. I decided to join the fellows at a local drinking establishment for the evening. Some time during the night we decided to visit the local homosexual bar named Ho Johns. I had been to this bar several times and even after partied till the sun came up shooting pool with a lady firend. That is out of the scope of this investigation though. At said bar I proceeded to imbibe several large drinks. After the bar closed I do remember riding in the back of a pick up truck home to my apartment that I shared with my beautiful bride. It was in the dead of winter so I was slightly cold when we arrived at my dwelling. My wife was none to happy with the state of my intoxication so she sent me promptly to bed and decided to sleep on the couch for herself. Sometime in the early morning hours as I was laying flat on my back in bed, the room began to spin. At that time a large amount of vomit exploded from my mouth and went vertically up and back against the wall behind my bed. Up and to the back. Up and to the back. Being in the pitiful state that I was, I proceded to go back to sleep. When I arose the next morning, I found a stain above the headboard that was approximently 3 feet high. I arose out of bed and put the sheets in the washer and cleaned the puke from the wall. My beautiful wife had no sympathy for me.

At this time I would like to take a break from my testimony.