My testimony 2

Thank you for allowing me to take an extended break. You can read the beginning of my testimony here. I will be more than happy to answer the charges against me truthfully and to the best of my ability. Please remember that all of these charges are alcohol related and my memory may not be the best.

 

4. Fiji weekend at University of Florida (UF). This one really is hazy. I remember seeing scantily clad women dance to, “Here she comes again” by the Cars. That’s about it for the party. The one thing I do remember about that trip is the drive home. Myself and Mr. Ivey were enjoying the scenic drive back to Haines City. We were tooling along on the Florida Turnpike and we had just entered the Turnpike so we were south of Okahumpka service plaza. Mr. Ivey was driving and I was enjoying the fresh air coming in the window. At this point Mr. Ivey blew a tire and we had to pull over to change the tire. As we were opening the trunk, I asked Mr. Ivey, “Where is your spare?” Mr. Ivey replied, “That was my spare.” At this point I think I may have let out a bit of salty language. I informed him that driving such a great distance with no freakin’ spare is not a good idea. We proceeded to walk down the road a bit an used the call box next to the road.

A short time later we were picked up and driven back to the service plaza. Being as we were students at the time we had about $0 between us. I called my parents and they said they would come help us out. In the mean time, Mr. Ivey and myself became quite thirsty. We ran several scams between us to try and determine the best way to obtain a drink. Finally I came up with the, “The Coke machine took my money scam.” I informed the proprietor of the store that the machine out front took my money and did not provide me with the requested refreshing cold drink. The woman came outside and opened the machine up and said, “Hmm. usually when it takes your money and doesn’t dispense, you can see the money right here,” as she pointed at the bowels of the machine. I informed her that I most certainly inserted my money and I desire my cold refreshing drink. She said, “Oh well,” and gave me my drink. Scam was successful. My parents arrived soon after and we replaced the tire and drove home.

3. Funnel King. Yes in the past I have been known to go down to my local home supply store and purchase a length of tubing and a large plastic funnel and combine them to drink beer out of. On this trip Mr. Owens, Mr. Turner and myself acquired 3 tickets to see the University of Miami take on YOUR Florida Gators in a basketball match. These tickets were given to Mr. Turner by his uncle who was a Bull Gator. We drove to Gainsville in Mr. Turner’s Jeep Cheorokee. We arrived in plenty of time for the match and decided to have several pre-game cocktails. We proceeded to our seats and cheered for our team as best as we could. Mr. Turner let several very offensive obscenities fly during the contest. The people behind us and in front of us were very offended by Mr. Turner’s use of such salty language. We watched YOUR gators thoroughly destroy the Hurricanes and proceeded to celebrate at a local drinking establishment. It was later learned that several spectators wrote letters to the UF Alumni complaining about Mr. Turner’s language. Mr. Turner’s uncle almost lost his choice seats to future UF basketball games.

After a several hour drinking binge, we decided to make our way back to the greater Haines City area. As Mr. Turner was completely intoxicated and I only had a slight buzz, I was volunteered to drive us home. As I was drving down I75 Mr. Owens and I had a heated debate about who drank the most beers that night. As we were driving along, Mr Owens was in the passengers seat and decided to one up me and try and funnel a beer as were were motoring along. I told Mr. Owens that was not in the best interest of anybody in the car because the local law enforcement would find a person dangling a funnel out the window highly suspicious. We then decided that maybe we all had consumed to much alcohol and decided to rent a place of lodging for the rest of the evening. Once again we were only students so we would not be able to afford a room for each of us. And we would not be able to afford the extra person charge for a single room. So Mr. Turner by this time had sobered up enough to let Mr. Owens and myself out of the vehicle while he completed the check in process. Mr. Owens and I hid behind a small outdoor sign while Mr. Turner acquired the room. After Mr. Turner recieved the key to the room, Mr. Owens and I walked to the room and entered. Since the room was a single, and we were not the 3 stooges, I decided to sleep on the floor. And since I am 100% heterosexual I thought that was the best plan of action. We giggled like school girls for several more hours and drifted of to a sound sleep.

2. Senior class-1988. For our Senior Skip Day, we acquired the permission to take haven at the hunting camp for the day. Since we were restricted to this area, we were able to consume as much alcohol as we desired. Since most of the people were lightweights and soon became intoxicated, I felt that I needed to drink twice as much as them and twice as fast. Soon I was completely incapacitated and down for the count. Mr. Johnson was sitting on the swamp buggy puking his brains out. During this time, Ms. Smith and myself, (Goddman I miss her) had a giggle fest because I removed my contacts lenses to go swimming in the swimming hole. We had placed my lenses in a sterile solution in a set of plastic cups. We then made up a rhyme to remember which cup held which lens. We came up with the rhyme, “Right is red” because the right lens was in a red cup. Stepping outside the comedy for a second. I miss Christy so much. I hadn’t talked to her in 20 years, but I remember that day like it was yesterday. I proceded to pass out from borderline alcohol poisoning and awoke around the midnight hour. By that time I was ready to continue the party, but everyone else was done for the night.

The memory of the party at Gayla Boones house is sketchy at best. I do remember Mr. Smith laying down in Ms. Sheeks vomit. I also remember Mr. Smith and I helping ourselves to several items in Ms. Boones abode. If memory serves me correctly, mr. Smith acquired a switchblade that night. Also at this time, Mr. Burry opened the door to the restroom to relieve his girly bladder and found Mr. Oneal sitting on the toilet rolling a fairly large marijuana cigarette. Mr. Oneal appeared startled and said, “Well excuse the fuck out of me.” I believe a bowling ball was also removed from the abode that night.

1. Plate/dick dance. This is another situation that is a little sketchy. Myself and my beautiful wife decided to visit a local drinking establishment in Montgomery Alabama. The name of the establishment was Sharky Shuck and Jive. As I progress in my old age, I realize that is a stupid name for a nightclub. This establishment had a country side and a rock side. We were in the rock side enjoying a few adult beverages. For some reason that night the management of the establishment decided to have a pie eating contest. This was the early 90′s so I guess pie eating was a hot thing. After the contest they left several unused paper plates up on the stage/dancefloor. I proceded to start cutting a rug with several ladies and picked up the plates and started using the plates as a prop. Kind of like strippers used fans back in the day. Since I thought I was a stripper back in the day, I decided to go for the full effect and let me penis come through my zipper. I was covering my penis as I was dancing. Only letting people get a quick glance. My wife was siting with several people and one of them asked her, “Hey! Isn’t that your husband out there?” My wife was slightly embarrassed and still is to this day.

Once again, I want to thank the commitee for letting me address these charges that have been leveled against me. I do have several sotries that were not addressed at this time but as I remember them I will make them public.